It has been a wisdom-colored week. Wisdom dispensed, but not not infused.
Not yet living wisdom. Expressible, yes. But radiated? Not quite. Not from me at least.
My hard head apparently has a few more knots to untie. And I will admit, wisdom merely painted on the outside rings hollow, trite. So I'll keep it to myself for now. Let it ferment until it makes a quality libation.
Here's a piece of what's fermenting.
I received an odd piece of feedback this week that got me thinking about the ways I communicate. Often the words that come out of my mouth are admittedly not always well-planned.
Mini-me shows me often how pedantic I must sound to the world, as she lectures me on the particulars of some subject.
"Dear god!" I think, "what kind of person am I? Do I really come off as such a know-it-all? Or is that her father's influence?"
It is kind of a loathsome quality. One that I have been working to remedy since I first heard my voice in my child's. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter. And my husband. And myself.
But nobody likes a know-it-all.
First, let me ask you, how often do you preface a statement with the word "just"?
As in "only." Almost as though you were trying to excuse some behavior or circumstance. To defend it as harmless. To minimize.
About four years ago, I was visiting a friend when it was first brought to my attention that this is something I sometimes do.
Overcome with her kindness, I offered a compliment: "You are just beautiful."
Her friend corrected me: "How about just saying 'You are beautiful'"?
I was offended. Not to have been corrected, but that I could have been so insensitive. Why had I just offered a compliment that in essence minimized her beauty? I was hurt on behalf of my friend for my thoughtless and unkind words. It was truly a back-handed compliment.
I was duly reprimanded. And I hope I had the good grace to at least apologize for the mistake. More likely, I retreated in embarrassment.
And did you notice how the feedback was delivered? With the word just? As if to minimize the sting of being corrected. Or was it to minimize...? The woman who corrected me could have given me her helpful feedback without including the word "just"
This brings us back to the odd piece of feedback I received this week. I was attempting to communicate with my husband about our daughter's behavior to offer a perspective that might help address some of the parenting challenges we've faced recently. "She's just trying to make sense of her world," I said.
Now, the written word is a terrible medium for conveying tone. I would have described my tone as matter-of-fact. But in fact, the way it was received was as a reprimand. As if I was pointing out something that should have been obvious - just by including the word "just"
It was a good piece of feedback, but it kind of stopped me in my tracks.
It got me thinking.
Why do we try to minimize things? Why not simply describe them as they are? Without judgement. (I will admit, I was tempted just now to use the word "just" in place of "simply" - when I probably could have left adverbs out altogether).
Without judgement. Wait. That doesn't ring true. As someone who frequently suffers from foot-in-mouth syndrome, I know all too well the damage that can be done by speaking without judgement.
Am I suggesting speaking without adverbs? No, that's just silly. Where would our purple prose be without adverbs.
I have a hypothesis that women use "just" as an adverb more frequently than men. Anybody have any statistics on that?
Why would they? Because women are socialized to be more accommodating, to minimize, to excuse. And how does that make us come off when we communicate that way- whether women or men?
People don't want excuses.
And truth is they don't want to be excused either.
When people behave badly, they appreciate being kindly called out for it. For having a boundary clearly defined.
I see it with my five-year old all the time. She protests. She negotiates. She wheedles and whines. But when I calmly give her a limit and explain its rationale she calmly accepts it. She appreciates having that boundary there. It creates a sense of safety and security.
It's the same with my students. That's why we set class norms at the beginning of the semester and revisit them when needed. It gives us clearly defined limits of expected behavior and helps foster a safe space where learning can happen.
But you don't want boundaries to be too restrictive. They can't be arbitrary or capricious.
There has to be a good reason for having a limit in place.
Maybe that's why "just" gets us in trouble - because it constricts necessarily, shrinks the space of possibility.
So I'm just going to have to be better.
Ahem,
I'm going to have to be better about communicating clearly.
That we may push the boundaries of what is known, and what can be known, in a way that is bounded with mutual respect and understanding of our full capacities as rationale human beings.
